On Desires

There are things I sometimes desire, but can’t fully articulate how to get to them. These situations frustrate me to no end.

One such desire I regularly have is the desire to code or write something. Writing is significantly easier to do, because I can get the fix by writing about anything. I don’t need to save it, I don’t need to share it with anyone else. I can just write about anything I want, and that usually does the trick for me.

This blog post is an example of one such desire.

However, the desire to code does not quickly, nor easily remedy itself by writing something nonsensical. I enjoy coding, that’s why it’s my profession. When I worked at Cox, for Cerner, I enjoyed writing code that fixed various problems on our patient portal. That was fun for me. Even the stuff I’d already written a thousand times over.

I think the purpose behind programming is what I enjoy. Finding a problem and coming up with a way to solve it technologically is intriguing, and is obviously one of the forefront issues of our modern society. Engineers probably get buzzed when they solve a particularly difficult design issue, like I do when I solve a logic problem.

So getting my fix on programming is very nebulous, and I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about it when I get the desire. I think about it for a few minutes, and then move on to something else until an idea comes to me. (It rarely does, but when I have a project, the desire to program can be pretty handy.)

On the other hand, I sometimes have desires to see new places. Japan is somewhere I would eventually like to take an extended vacation and just soak in the culture.

I’ve talked a lot with a bunch of people lately about how scared I am of new places. I get anxious in large crowds, I don’t enjoy meeting new people. I’m pretty much the most anti-social person of my group of friends, and they find that funny because I am usually the one that talks to strangers when we go to big events. (Like Springfield G.A.M.E., for example.) So desires like that one are significantly harder for me to want to fulfill. Much like programming, I think I need a purpose behind such an adventure.

I finally put my thumb down on what made my most recent excursion to the North East so… unsettling for me. Not only was it the general perception of living near a city the size and scope of Manhattan. Or the people telling me that I would hate the area, and hate the people. The culture shock wasn’t as bad as I expected, but the cost of living was. None of that really affected me, though as much as one thing.

Familiarity.

Any time I’ve ever moved, there was always something or someone to keep me grounded. My grandparents, when I was a kid. My aunt, when I was older. My mother and sister, when I moved to Florida. Friends who also doubled as roommates. A city I was already familiar with.

I’ve never gone out, away from everything I know, and been on my own. And I think most people do that about 10 years earlier than I am, although most of the people I know haven’t done that, ever, at all in their entire lives. They’ve always moved somewhere with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or with family, or friends of some kind already in the area they are moving to.

So maybe I’m just like everyone else, afraid of being alone. I guess that’s okay. I’d rather not feel that way, though.

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